


Holiday of doom

by lethargicnecromancer, Skullka



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Awkwardness, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Family Bonding, Family Visit, Galra grandparents, Grandparents & Grandchildren, M/M, fidget spinners and banana plushies, keith just wants to die, lance has severe fur allergy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-22
Updated: 2017-07-22
Packaged: 2018-12-05 06:02:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11571867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lethargicnecromancer/pseuds/lethargicnecromancer, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skullka/pseuds/Skullka
Summary: Keith's Galra grandparents can't wait to finally meet their grandson, so he visits them over the holidays. It goes about just as well as you would think.





	Holiday of doom

**Author's Note:**

> Pro tip: when you're at your friend's marathoning Voltron together, don't let your mom call you about visit to relatives in another country, and how your grandma's german cousin and his wife would love to have you over during holidays.  
> Don't let your friend laugh while saying that "Well what if Keith's 1/8 Galra like you're 1/8 German and he can go spend holidays with some old Galrans, scratching them behind their ears?"  
> Don't then decide a month later when you see each other again to buy alcohol and actually write about Keith's galra grandparents because it seemed like a good idea.  
> Or do. Because y'all know you need this in your lives.
> 
> Forgive me father for I have sinned.
> 
> the wip title was "keith and his dank meme galra grandparents holidays aka scratch me harder grandson" (it's still the name of the word document)

Shiro, in his most motherly tone, asked once again: “Keith, do you have your lint roller?“

Keith only rolled his eyes. Of course he had his lint roller, purchased from Ikea for a ridiculously low price, along with a few spare rolls. He was absolutely prepared for this holiday of doom with his grandparents. His Galra grandparents.

Why did he agree to this again? Wait no, actually – he didn’t. He was just _told_ that his grandparents from his mom’s side wanted to see him, and no one asked him about his opinion on that. They just scheduled the visit and that was it.

He was present when they called Shiro to arrange this whole thing through a facecam. He didn't remember ever being so uncomfortable or embarrassed, but poor Keith had no idea what was waiting for him.

Lance was passing by when he peeked into the room and saw the conversation. He stayed hidden behind the door frame until the call ended and then quietly uttered: “Fucking furries.”

Of course Shiro heard it.

“Now, Lance! Don’t talk about Keith’s grandparents like that!”

…and with that, Keith was out, so the outcome stayed a mystery to him.

And now, not even a week later, he was standing with his luggage, ready to depart for this hell of a vacation. And the only thing Shiro was so parental about at this point was if he had packed his lint roller. _Great._

So with a sigh, Keith waved goodbye to the rest of the Paladins and went to perform his family duty.

 

His grandparents were two old Garlans named Harold and Helga. He didn’t really understand how the Garlan aging worked, but with Allura’s help, they were able to figure that they were around 75 by a human counting, so he went with that.

They gave off exactly the vibe you’d expect your typical grandparents to have. Which was what made him want to turn around at the spot and start running back to the castle.

“Keith, darling, you’re finally here!” They both rushed from the door to the fence and opened the gate for him. “Come here, grandson! I’m so glad to finally see you!” And before he could even open his mouth, he was pulled into a suffocating hug by his unnaturally (for a human person that is) tall grandmother. And right after she let him go, he ended up in the arms of his – even taller – grandfather.

When he finally could breathe again, Keith said: “Y-yeah… nice to see you too, grandma, grandpa…” with a smile that was just a little too obviously forced. They did not seem to notice, though.

“Come inside! You have to be hungry,” said Harold.

“Indeed! Harold, look at how skinny he is. That is no good, Keith. I’ll go get the food ready, Harold, you show him his room so he can put his stuff there,” Helga ordered.

“Now, come, it’s on the second floor.” Big fluffy arms wrapped around Keith’s shoulder and he wasn’t sure how he felt about that.

“You see, we didn’t really know what you liked or what kind of hobbies you had,” Harold started explaining as they climbed up the stair, “but at least, based on your hairstyle, uh… The, the mullet! Right. We found out that it is connected to some kind of era on Earth, so… you know, we tried. We just wanted to make you feel a little bit more at home.” With that, he opened the door to the room at the end of the hallway. ****  
  
He was greeted by at least a dozen eighties posters depicting various stages of terrible fashion choices, and of course, mullets. Keith could only stare, because seriously that is so totally not what he has on his head. Also, he definitely did not need to have a picture of Jarda Jágr stuck to the ceiling right above his bed.

“So, how do you like it? Did we get it right?”

Harold was practically bouncing on his toes and Keith didn’t really have it in him to disappoint him, so he just sighed, directed his agonized look at Richard Dean Anderson who was proudly posing on the opposite wall instead at his grandfather, and puts on his best fake smile.

“Yeah, it looks pretty neat. Thanks, grandpa.”

What a wonderful start, he thought later once Harold left the room, wishing they would have put up some My Chemical Romance posters as well. He mused what other surprises are waiting for him, and whether he had any chance to survive this holiday unharmed.

Andre Aggassi dwelling on the bathroom door gives him a reassuring smile. Keith does not feel comforted and decides to sleep it off.

 

“Grandma, what is this?“ Keith asked, suspiciously eyeing the glove his ancestor hands him. He’s seen it before, but in all honesty, he can only hope it’s not what it looks like.

“I was hoping you would tend to our fur before bed,” his grandmother purred, her ears twitching in anticipation. “Just a little bonding ritual.”

The last time Keith has cringed so hard was probably when Lance tried to seduce him by deepthroating a banana plushie and failing miserably. (Although at least Lance, with tears in his eyes and coughing desperately was something to look at. Unlike Keith’s wrinkly, hairy grandparents.)

 

Obviously, a relative’s visit wouldn’t be complete without looking through a photo album together.

Sounds like a fun on its own, but imagine poor Keith having to look through ten generations of his Galra ancestors, captured in exactly twenty one thick volumes.

Like, he didn’t want to be racist… but they all looked the freaking same.

“…and this is your grand-grandmother’s uncle… Ah, look, Harold! He has the exact same eyes, doesn’t he?”

“My, really, he does!”

Keith thought to himself that the eye degeneration caused by age had to be the same for Galrans as for humans. He sunk lower into the sofa, hoping that maybe if he’d get deep enough, the ground would actually open and swallow him.

 

“Keith, honey–”

Keith turned around with desperation written all over his face. Just the tone of his grandmother’s voice is enough to make him want to jump into his lion and run. Except that wasn't really an option.

“Yes?”

“I found this weird knife in your room when I was taking away your dirty dishes,” his grandmother said. Keith frowned, unaware that he had any cutlery in his room at all.

“It’s in the dishwasher, if you’re looking for it. I just hope the nice color on it won’t scratch away, I didn’t have my glasses and couldn’t find if it was dishwasher safe.”

To give Keith some credit, he doesn’t start screaming. At least not right away.

 

Watching family videos sounds like a mostly safe activity, after all that Keith has been through during the past week. Sure, it might be cringe worthy, but at least it’s not going to be embarrassing videos of him.

Being sandwiched between two Galra is not Keith’s idea of a good movie night setting, not to mention he gets to hold the popcorn - and two large, clawed hands are immediately fighting for the treats right above his crotch protected only by a thin paper bag.

Watching any Galra videos is a lot like watching that one TV channel that only streams kitten videos all day long. Just a lot of fluffy creatures doing stupid things. Although it was the least suffering so far.

The popcorn came to its end relatively quickly, unlike the video collection, which appeared to be endless. No matter the comments his grandparents made about all the amazing events and vacation they filmed, he _still_ couldn’t tell apart _any_ of the fluffy purple creations moving on the screen. Not even after the long, elaborate lecture he got yesterday with the whole photo albums adventure.

“Keith, sweetie,” said Helga at one point in time, when Keith was basically falling sleep. _How long has it been? Definitely hours, but it feels like days…_

Still, he managed to keep himself up and answer her: “Yes, grandma?”

“It would be awfully nice if you could scratch me behind my ears, you know?”

Keith doesn’t find the energy to say no, merely thinking it could probably be worse. When a pointed couch comes from his other side, he gives up completely, trying not to think too closely about how both of his grandparents sounded like they were actually purring.

_Shiro, Allura, help me._

He puts that thought into a text message when he finds a shelter in the bathroom for at least a few minutes, but doesn’t get any answer, only a _Read 4:50_ mark.

What Keith didn’t know was that they have decided to help him… and that he won’t like what they planned.

 

“Yo, mullet head, come open the door for me!”

“What? Lance, what door, what are you talking about? You didn’t forget that I am not in the castle-”

“Of course not! I mean the doors to your grandparents house. I’m already there.”

Keith couldn’t believe what he just heard. “What did you just say?”

“What, are you deaf? I’m in front of the house waiting!” Lance sounded slightly annoyed.

_“What.”_

“I said I’m in the front of your grandparents house, so get your emo ass down here and open the door for me!”

Keith sprung up from the chair and ran downstairs, if only to make sure if _that idiot is actually here or if it was just some kind of sick joke._

But it wasn’t a prank. When he opened the door, Lance was standing there, grinning. “What’s up. Took you long enough.”

Keith couldn’t believe his eyes.

_Was this even real?_

_Could this get even worse?_

“What. Are. You. Doing. Here.” Stressing every syllable, he frowned, hoping that he was dreaming.

“Well, Shiro and Allura said that you seemed homesick in your messages… So I offered to come visit you! I mean, what could go wrong. It’s like a free trip to a zoo!” His grin grew larger. “Now let me in, I want to meet the part of your family that doesn’t raise cows in the countryside.” And with that, he pushed Keith aside and made his way inside.

Keith sighed. As if this whole visit wasn’t a nightmare already.

 

Lance regretted his decision to go there exactly an hour later.

“I did not know that the allergy applied to freaking aliens as well!” he cried.

Keith shook his head in disappointment. “Fur is fur, Lance. What _did_ you even think?”

“I don’t know, okay? I expected that maybe it wouldnt be the same, it’s alien fur after all!” It was hard to tell if the tears that were pouring down his face were of an emotional origin or it was just the allergy manifesting itself. He had red eyes, his cheeks were slightly swollen and a rash was forming on his exposed arms.

Keith thought to himself that he deserved a medal for not laughing at him once.

Which he would gladly do if his grandparents weren’t watching, because unfortunately, before his allergy started to act up, he managed to see Keith’s room’s decor and literally fall down on the ground in a hysterical laughing fit. So in a sense, Keith thought that he deserved it.

His phone beeped with a message notification. He unlocked the screen; Pidge has sent him a photo.

It was her and Hunk taking a selfie, Hunk bent over with one arm over her shoulder and the other in a peace sign. They were both smiling widely… and in the background, there was Coran, with a frightened expression, apparently being chased by some weird looking pigeons. Obviously ignored by the two teenagers.

 _Having a great time in a space zoo!!_ the message said.

“Lance, did the rest go to a zoo today?” Keith asked curiously. What was with that timing? Why didn’t they wait for him to come back? He was slightly offended.

“Yeah,” Lance nodded and then sneezed. “Coran took them out. Shiro and Allura said that if we’re here, they too, deserve a vacation.” And he slightly grinned, even though it wasn’t that easy to see through all the swelling.

It didn’t take long for Keith to realize _why_ were Allura and Shiro left alone in the castle, and honestly, he was quite horrified at the thought, so he rather put it back.

He then opened the camera app and pointed his phone at Lance, who was too busy with blowing his nose to notice. He snapped a photo of him mid-way and wrote: _Lance is not having a good time here._

He sent it back to Pidge and wanted to send it to Shiro too, but when he saw a: _Last activity – 12 hours ago_ , he decided to maybe not. It was hard enough for him to get that alarmingly heterosexual image out of his head.

 

“Hey, Keith, what- what is this?” Lance asked suddenly, his voice slightly hoarse but sounding much better after drinking an absurd amount of some weird herbal tea.

Keith barely pays him any attention, finally feeling relaxed and at ease. With Lance there, things were actually easier, since Lance, being the ever social person somehow always draws the attention of his grandparents, actually enjoying it. Even despite the allergy.

“Keith seriously what the fuck?!”

_Ah, there goes the peace and quiet._

“Did your grandma seriously crochet us matching thongs?”

Keith looked up in shock. Lance was standing at the closet, laughing maniacally, tears streaming down his cheeks and in each hand, just pinched between his fingers, he's holding the most horrific articles of clothing Keith has ever seen in his entire life. Red and blue, as their respected wearers, naturally.

 

“Lance, stop going through my things.” Keith said for approximately the fiftieth time that afternoon. After the shocking discovery of the shockingly awful swimwear his grandmother created, Keith was somehow careful about letting Lance explore on his own.

“Hey, hey I- I just found something!” Lance answered, and Keith seriously considers looking up at Chuck Norris and praying. Instead he looked at Lance - and with no small amount of relief found out that his boyfriend simply discovered one of the more normal, yet still completely useless presents his grandmother got him in the mall the other day.

“Yea, grandma got that for me. You can have it,” he said and went back to polishing his blade - except Lance didn’t stop talking. He never does, really.

“Keith, no you can't- I mean, I can't accept it. Like it would be really great, but you can't just give this to me. That's too much. I mean, I am your boyfriend, and your soulmate, and your fellow paladin, but-”

Keith frowned. Whatever was going on here, he was missing the point by, well. Obviously a lot. “Lance, it's fine. I don't want it.”

“Keith, this is the Super Galaxy Glow in the Dark Limited Edition version 3.25, the rarest model available. I don't know how your grandmother managed to get it, but she must really know some people-”

Keith's frown deepens. Lance can be such a dork sometimes, it's unbelievable.

“-not to mention it must have cost her so much galaxy money, I can't possibly just keep it. I appreciate the thought though.”

“Lance, take it. You know I hate fidget spinners.”

 

Keith was mechanically lifting a spoonful after spoonful of mercifully tasteless galra soup, finally having come to terms with this suffering. Lance was, on the other hand, enthusiastically chatting with Helga about various skin care routines and hair care, looking very much happy to finally have someone to share his troubles with.

“So, Keith, when will you give us grandchildren?” Harold asks all of sudden with his mouth still full of half chewed space noodles.

Keith wonders whether crying into the soup would at least give it some taste now.

“I mean, “Harold continues, obviously unbothered by his grandson's discomfort, “you're a fine young man, no doubt you could find a fine bride. Perhaps even a Galra girl, if I could suggest that...”

Keith also wonders whether he could drown in the small amount of soup still left in his bowl.

Helga turned around, actually pausing her rant about her least favorite makeup guru on GalaxyTube, and gives her husband an exasperated look.

“Harold, they're gays.”

Harold blinks, then shrugs. “Ah. I just thought they were having some intense paladin bonding moments, but I guess it was just sex then.” He goes back to his soup, but then pauses again. Keith feels like screaming.

“You can still adopt some Galra babies.”

 

Finally, the vacation was over and Keith was never happier to see a relative of his go. Few awkward hugs and tears pouring from his grandparents’ wrinkly yellow eyes, they kept repeating “Take care of yourself!” and “Come see us again soon!”. Lance was a bit more polite then Keith, so the emo boy had to be the one drag him out of the gate while waving with one arm.

“…finally.” Keith let out a deep, relieved sigh. “Thank goodness we’re finally out.”

Lance blew his nose instead of answering.

Before Shiro came to pick them up though, overwhelmed by the fresh air with no fur in sight, he grinned: “You know what? I think we should visit your Texan part of the family next!”

Lance thought to himself that just for the expression Keith made, this all was worth it.

“No, we should not.”

**Author's Note:**

> Don't drink and write, kids. Or do, depending whether you want to end up like us.  
> Also don't try to deepthroat a banana plushie. It's not worth it, we did not choke or cried like Lance did, but the tiny hairs stuck in your throat after that are really disgusting and not pleasant.  
> Can't speak for LN, but I, personally, have zero regrets about making this stupid idea a reality.  
> (If you by any chance don't know who Jarda Jágr is, google "Jaromír Jágr" and see that glorious mullet he used to have. He's the best and most famous czech hockey player. Our country is very proud of him, not as much of his mullet.)
> 
> I actually have no idea how this even happened in the end, but unlike the banana plushie thing, it was worth it. Thanks for reading and we have actually more crack planned. Next time: Keith goes visit his Texan side of the family, aka "Voltron goes camping". See you then!  
> -Skullka


End file.
